OMG THE GREAT GATSBY. OMG THIS TERRIBLE FUCKING MOVIE.
The Academy Awards are a time to celebrate the year’s most uniquely challenging films, a delicate ensemble of messy failed attempts of the grandest spectacle and tiny indies that devastated audiences with emotional gusto and studio adventures that dared to dream beyond the boundaries of the megaplex.
At least, that’s what the Academy Awards would be if they didn’t suck fucking big time.
Instead, they’re a tepid mix of boring political wishy washiness, tarred and feathered into something a bunch of old white men can stick on a pedestal and feel proud to call their own. Sure, every so often something truly great like No Country for Old Men or Silence of the Lambs wins Best Picture. But the Best Picture category is mostly an enormous embarrassment. Look at all of the epic trash that’s won in the past few decades. You guys: We live in a world where Forrest Gump beat Pulp Fiction at the Oscars. Where The English Patient beat Fargo. WHERE SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE BEAT SAVING PRIVATE RYAN.
The acting categories can also be totally bunk and totally great in the same year, with equal measure. For every Sandra Bullock lifetime achievement award, there’s a Marion Cotillard “thank you life, thank you love” punch to the tear ducts. The year she won was the year Daniel Day Lewis, Tilda Swinton and Javier Bardem all took home acting trophies. Remember how great that was?
But part of the fun of watching the Oscars is laughing at the terrible injustice. We take it so fucking personal in such a stupid, self-congratulatory way. Like how last year I swore to God on my life that I would walk out the door if Meryl Streep beat Viola Davis. And then she DID and I just sat there instead and kept watching because duh, I was never going to actually leave. I just wanted to make an unnecessary point!
So I decided to do the ultimate self-important film fan thing: I’m making my own Oscars goddammit. And here are the nominees:
Did you see The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey yet? Did you like it? Are you happy Peter Jackson is making a 9-hour trilogy out of a 328 page book? I just re-read the book for the first time in at least ten years and I’m pretty sure I finished it in like 7 hours and 32 minutes, which means it will take longer to watch a movie about The Hobbit than it will be to read The Hobbit. How does that make you feel? Good? Bad? Tired?
So yes, I saw The Dark Knight Rises. Twice now, actually. Once in glorious IMAX and once in poor people size. IMAX was great and all, but holy uncomfortable adjustment Batman! (You might as well prepare yourself for a lot of holy Batman jokes fyi.) Because a third of the movie was filmed in full-fledged IMAX mode and two-thirds of the movie was not, the constant morphing from MEGA HUGE FULL SCREEN to kind of decent but slightly low-def widescreen was… different. One second you have a tiny Jim Gordon spewing exposition and the next second you have BANE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL huffing down his medicine gas on a screen five stories tall.
In light of the horrific and depressing shootings in Colorado, it seems a little indignant to joke so airily about a movie that will forever be synonymous with insurmountable tragedy. As many speculate, this incident will likely usher in a new wave of movie theatre security, disrupt a once prosperous and hopeful box office opening, and make folks nervous about sitting down in a theatre and taking in a good show. But in the spirit of Badass Digest’s awesome response to the event, I’m going to soldier on with the puns, bad jokes and occasional mocking because… that’s what I do. And that horrible fuck can’t rob me of that, just like he shouldn’t rob people of their ability to see movies in a safe and welcoming environment. Bow your heads for those lost, feel the wrath of contempt (or the pangs of sadness) for the mentally deprived, but don’t let the Jokers of the world win. OKAY?
I’m about to talk about pretty much everything that happens in this movie, so, SPOILER WARNING.
Last night, I saw a preview screening of The Dark Knight Rises. I KNOW, I KNOW, YOU HATE ME. It was also free. It was also in IMAX.
Unfortunately, all of the jokes I want to make about The Dark Knight Rises involve spoilers. And because the movie doesn’t officially come out until Friday (or tonight at midnight for you nerds), I won’t be a dick and I won’t spoil you. UNTIL TOMORROW. Then all bets are off. But it’s not really a spoiler to give a rating, right? I give The Dark Knight Rises 8 and a half Bane morphine drips out of 10. It was pretty good! It was not great, but it did things I liked and also Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
I mean, come on.
Like any good science fiction hag, I saw Prometheus this weekend. Woof, am I right? As Vulture so kindly pointed out, Prometheus is the least answer-friendly movie of the summer, full of big head-scratchers and even bigger giant man makers. Or Space Jockeys. Or Engineers. Or whatever the fuck, UGH THIS MOVIE.
There’s this funny thing Netflix does. It involves just randomly ploppping something important in Instant right when you least expect it. Like, things are going really good for your life and you’re being very productive and getting things done on time, and then WHAM! The Wonder Years just decides to be there, every episode, every season, every Winnie Cooper/Kevin Arnold make-out sesh in high def at your fingertips. It’s pretty unfair, all things considered. Unfortunately, it’s the trash barrel TV that really whets your appetite. It took me years to just sit the fuck down and watch Breaking Bad, but the second Saved By the Bell went up… yup, bye, staying inside all weekend, what are “friends?”
I heard nasty rumors about Dawson’s Creek showing face on Netflix Instant, but I laughed because it was only one of my biggest dreams, and surely life is never that easy. BUT BEHOLD. It IS that easy. So guess what I spent my Memorial Day weekend doing? Go on, guess!